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Fear of loss

Updated: Jul 5, 2022

Last week I ran a Journalling Workshop looking at your fears and how to overcome them.

I found the journalling around fear really hard hitting when I first did it, but it ended up being a complete game changer for me and that is why I wanted to share it with you.

I have found grief hard in my life as it felt like a lot of people and animals that I had loved dearly, had died. It had left me, without realising it, with a fear of loss. I was so scared that more people that I love were going to die, or leave me, that I put up huge barriers around myself. If I couldn't get so close as I had done before, it would ensure that when they left, it wouldn't hurt as much.

Note the when, not the if they left. I was certain that they would leave as that is what I had understood was the pattern to my life.

I needed to find out when this fear of loss began and discovered it went all the way back to lower school when my best friend moved to Wales and I was devastated. She was my bestest friend ever and I loved her to pieces and I really didn't know how I would be able to cope in school, outside of school and find another friend like her. This was my first loss and I didn't like it!

I continued to experienced more loss when my rabbit, my grandma, my cat and my aunt died, one of my friends stopped being my friend, my mum died, another friend moved on, my partner left me, my dad died, my horse died, my aunt, uncle and both my cats died.

Each time it happened I coped with it but what was happening inside was changing me more than I realised.

I was building up a fear of loss. A fear so big that when I met new friends as an adult, I wouldn't let them in. My partner was even kept at a distance.

Each loss had put another brick on my wall of fear with the necessity to protect.

When my children were born I realised I hadn't loved anything as much as I loved them and my fear was caught out. My love was instant and with no warning.

My fear took a while to catch up but what it then did was terrify me with the thought of losing the 2 most precious beings in my life, ever and what would I do?

I knew I had to do something about this fear, so I decided to just write. Put pen to paper and just try not to think, just let my thoughts and fears come out in my writing. It worked. The questions I shared in my Confident You Facebook group came from this piece.

As I read it back I could see that my fear was trying to protect me, my fear was a little child screaming at me to be careful and hold back and don't open up your heart to more hurt as my fear wasn't sure if I would be able to fix again.

My fear needing caring for, my fear needed to be told that I was OK, my fear needed to hand back the reins to me and know that I would be OK.

I need to move forwards and constantly being held back with a fear of loss was really hard. I understand now why my fear was trying to control me, why she was not letting me get too close to people but there was no option when it came to my kids.

I didn't know I had been listening to my fear. I didn't know I had been pushing people away. I didn't know why it was happening, only that it did.

Now I know through the love of my children that I can open up my heart but I also can deal with loss because I have done...multiple times.

My fear is personified as me, as a child and when I feel my fear rising I picture myself holding her hand and walking together outside, in the woods or along a beach and reassuring my fear that it is OK.

I want to love, I want to care, I want to feel close to people and if I lose some people along the way, it will hurt, I know that, but I will have memories, I will have laughter, I will have had love.

And as Juba said, so beautifully in Gladiator; "I will see them again...but not yet".

If you would like to explore your fear so you can become more confident in who you are the questions from my workshop are below.

  • What is the fear that is blocking you at the moment? Write, "I am afraid of..." 3 times.

  • Then write, "but I am most afraid of..."

  • Using one of your fears above try and track back your earliest memory of this fear. Think how old was I, what happened?

  • Now consider in what ways does that fear stop you now?

  • What does this fear physically feel like? What happens to your body?

  • Can you give your fear a colour or a shape? Or a name?

Now it is time to interview your fear! Question your fear as if it is a person.

  • What does your fear hope to accomplish in your life?

  • How does your fear feel about you?

  • Does your fear trust you? Why or why not.

  • What is your fear afraid of?

  • Now looking at your fear can you see there is more to it than meets the eye? Is there maybe a positive side too?

  • Can you now change your relationship with that fear?

  • What would happen if you did?

This is powerful and you need to take the time to just sit, breathe and take on board what you have journalled.

  • Then as a final thought write; How do you feel about your fear now?

Well done for getting started on your fears. If you get stuck, have a major break through or just want to talk it through and share your story, please do message me.

Keep Shining x

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