We had a moving story at Confessions of Courage last night and it was sent to me as an email so I wanted to share it with you. I coached Sarah at the beginning of the year and she asked if I would read it out as she just didn't quite feel confident enough to do it herself without crying. To have the courage to write down her story, to share with you, is so inspiring as I am sure it wasn't easy.
If anyone else would like to share their story this way too, please send me a message, it would be wonderful to hear from you and maybe an easier way to share.
Here we go;
This is how I felt about 6 months ago; I am just a normal mum, with 2 kids in primary school. I work part time to fit around school pick up and drop off. I am 41 years old and I find being a mum really hard.
I struggle to stay calm, I get overwhelmed and stressed when it all starts to go wrong. I hate being late, but I always seem to be. This is the only thing though that others see, because I mask how I really feel. I don't share that I'm having a crap day, I just smile and keep going - what else am I meant to do?
Sometimes I dont want to respond to "Mummy". I want to hide and not be found, but equally I want to hide with them, in a huge den filled with Disney films and enjoy precious time together.
I didn't always feel like this. I used to feel supported and able but I have been broken and as much as I would love to talk in person about this, I don't want to be a blubbing mess, live on Facebook!!
I have a small group of friends who I love dearly but our mum/work/life doesn't allow us as much time together. But it didn't matter so much in the past because I had my Mum, who was the most important person in our lives and we always made time for each other.
My mum who helped us, listened and loved us. She was my rock and last year she was taken from us, way too soon and my whole world fell apart.
I felt so broken, numb, and I couldn't work out how on earth I was going to manage looking after my family, going to work, doing the house, eating, sleeping and just surviving. It seemed impossible and at times it was.
I still find it hard to talk openly, so thank you Helen for being my voice.
The last 6 months has been the toughest of my life and I wanted to share what little things have helped:
The biggest help and hindrance was love. Love of my children, their love for me, the love my mum showed us all, always, which is why it also hurt the most. The massive hole where that love should have been and still was but we couldn't feel it, see it or believe it.
I first started to feel love again through my children. They have been so incredible, resilient and caring. They could switch off their grief and emmerse themselves in play. They gently guided me to understand that when we are focussed on something we enjoy we might just get a little rest bite.
Together we played games, watched films, hugged lots, went on walks oh so many walks, read books and took life slowly and in great kindness to ourselves.
When I spoke to Helen she once said time may not necessarily be a healer, it still hurts like hell, we just learn to cope with it a little better.
That really hit home because I was becoming focussed on time with everyone saying..."you will feel better in time" or "time is a healer"...RUBBISH!! I can't heal a wound this big but I can learn to live with it, embrace it as it becomes a part of me and move forwards with grace. So I discovered love is a healer, not time. Grace us a healer and nature is a healer.
We have walked so much, been outside everyday and it helped me feel alive. When it feels like your world is ending, there is always the beautiful bird song, the water shimmering on the lake, the dappled sunlight as you walk through the trees. This gave me hope
When you feel the wind and rain beating down on you it felt good, I wanted to shout - "bring it on!" It gave me motivation, determination and peace.
Thank you for listening to my story and sorry I couldn't be there in person. I hope it helps someone else out there find the strength to move forwards.
I am so grateful that Sarah decided to share her story. It has been an honour to read it out and share it with you.
It just shows;
Whatever you might be going through, have the courage to ask for help, you are not alone.
Whatever is happening you are loved, you just might not be able to see it or feel it yet.
However you feel, release it to nature, let her carry it whilst you walk step by step, side by side, together.
When life throws a curve ball at you it is love, courage, grace and nature that can help you heal.
If any of this has resonated with you and you want a chat please do message me.